Gust Gab: deborah komanetz

Saturday, May 9, 2009

So it's Mother's Day - A day I approach with mixed emotion.

It's another one of those 'Hallmark Holidays' and I am so not into Hallmark Holidays. I think we should appreciate those around us ALL of the time, ESPECIALLY on their birthdays, but on days like Valetine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day...well, you get the idea.
Seems a little, um...dumb?

I LOOVE my kids. I LOOOOVE being a mom. It's the best job I've EVER had - it's also the toughest. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted a small army of kids.
Well, some days my kids FEEL like an army ~ HA!

People that I am in touch with that I haven't been in quite some time always say things to me like - "oh I bet you are a GREAT mom! You've always been so great with kids!"

Yeah, OTHER people's kids!
I am soo not the mother that I thought I'd be when I 'envisioned' my life way back when. I am less patient, less 'perfect' than I thought I'd be. I had all of these ideas of what would work and what wouldn't. I'm trying, really I am. Some days are just so ~ hard?
I have a hard time finding a balance between working an almost full time job, taking care of my family and finding time for me, among other things. There's nothing ~~more~~ I can cut out yet I sometimes feel like I'm doing a half assed job of all of them - so what's going to give?
Our kids aren't the greatest of sleepers and we don't have the ~~luxury~~ option of dropping our kids off with Grandma for the hubs and I to catch our breathe. Ever try holding a conversation with your partner with a three and a half and a two and a half year old in each ear? ;)
Again, don't get me wrong - I know we're blessed...we are. So many people I know would do anything to hold their own babies in their arms, hear them whisper in their ears or yell out for them during the night. My heart breaks for those friends and for the friends I have not yet met.
That's the reason I keep plugging away and trying to do the best that I can. My kids don't see my imperfections. They know that they are loved beyond measure. I guess that's the most important thing. That our kids know that I'm doing the best that I can. To them, it seems to be more than enough - for now. They don't see the dog hair on the carpet or the hardwood floors, the laundry piled up, the dishes in the sink. They don't know that I need all of the toys to go back to their respective homes at the end of every day. They don't know that I haven't gotten all the birthday cards mailed on time, the groceries purchased before the sale was over, or that I didn't get out and take a run that day and should have because I can't fit into my skinny jeans. They know that they are loved and that...that is all that matters.

You may or may not remember The Story of Me ~ but I know that being 'shorted' in the mom department 32 years ago has a direct impact on the me of today.
I LOOOVED my 'mom' growing up - Biologically she was my grandma but she did a great job with me - especially having already raised her own 5 kids before getting me! It's just not the same when your 'mom' is 40 years older than you are! I hope I can be to Hails what I missed out on...

Talking her through the crazy relationships that life throws her way, going on trips with her, her wedding...being near when she has her babies, helping her figure out the motherhood thing...
Grandma did the best she could but the bottom line is that even though it's just a story to me and I have no recollection of life being any other way - I was shorted.

~~Grandma~~ Mom gave me the articles I had asked for - you can see the shape they are in 32 years later being taped into one of those God-forsaken Funeral Home books for all of these years...but the important thing is that I have them now - I know these aren't the best quality and I think I'll play around with them on the copy machine and see if I can get some better quality - for now - I think you can click on the pictures to make them bigger but at least they are documented to go along with The Story of Me...

So for all of you who have held your babies in the past, or who can hold them right now or will be holding them in the future - Happy Mother's Day!!

Nice how this one is titled 'mishap' ~

The obituary is laminated from the funeral home and isn't scanning well ~

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've always been a person who is good at remembering dates and events...lines from movies like my husband? Not so much...but anniversary type dates - those come pretty naturally to me.

With that "gift" comes a lot of extra thought and emotion this fall. Our little girl is turning three next week. It has been amazing, simply amazing, to watch her grow over the last three years. It also has me thinking of myself as a kid...more specifically...at the age she is now. Just a couple of weeks before I myself turned three, 19 days before to be exact, my own mother died in a drunk driving accident.

I don't remember her. At all. I don't have one single memory of my mom. The only life I've known is the life I have. The woman who was my birth mom is more like a storybook character to me than an actual person that really was in my life. A story I've never been told. A story I don't know the words to. A major person in my life. THE major person in my life, at that time anyway.

I have a handful of pictures of her and of her and I - but not one memory (or story) to go with those pictures. It's like when my mom died so did her "legacy". I don't know that anyone ever mentioned her name after she passed away, not in our house anyway. The newspaper article about the crash and ensuing obituary were tucked away as were most if not all pictures of her. I only found that stuff by accident while digging around in an old dresser when I was probably around 12 years old.

Somehow my grandparents took over the parenting role and I began calling them Mom and Dad instead of Grandpa and Grandma. I often wonder how the hell that happened. As I look at our little girl now - literally the exact same age I was when my own mom went away and never came back - and I cannot imagine her ever forgetting me. I would hope if something did happen to me, my baby daddy...(my husband!) would not LET our kids forget about me...or at least do his damndest to help them remember me.

I had always wondered why when we'd be out somewhere, i.e.: Church, the doctors office, etc...people would say something stupid like "Wow, you look JUST. LIKE. YOUR. MOM!" Here I was wondering WTF! My "Mom" was short and stout, graying hair...and at age 12 I was already taller than her! I often wondered why my parents were so much older than my friends' parents, and why I was nine years younger than my next closest "sibling". Comments really never made any sense to me what-so-ever.
After stumbling upon those articles, including an obit that read something like - "survived by one daughter Darcie" - things made sense then...and I never questioned them. A few random questions asked over the years that followed were always answered with a short, quick - "I don't know" that always stopped the conversation dead in it's tracks.

The sad part is, I don't even know much about her. I know her name. I know she was 20 when she gave birth to me and 23 when she died. I know she died on her own mother's birthday and was buried on her grandma's birthday. I know she was a single mother. I know she gave me her middle name. I know she was supposedly at a party on October 20th, 1977 when an argument broke out and she supposedly got into a car (willingly) with an acquaintance/friend of hers who had had too much to drink. I know there was a single vehicle accident and my mom was the only casualty of that accident.

It's not like a person can pull up a newspaper article from 1977 and read a story that appeared in the paper or even read an obit from that far back...I suppose there may be some old microfiche somewhere with a few sketchy details. I have asked for any articles/obits/funeral home book that our family may have from my birth mom's death - at this point - I've heard no word back...I don't know that I will - the original house has since been demolished and our "life and history" has been moved twice since then....Things lost or tossed along the way.

*sigh*

As I've said...it's really all just a story I can tell - a short story as I have few details. I think this is one of the main reasons I am so fascinated with blogging and the internet these days. Should something happen to me...our kids will know a little about me and a lot about their lives WITH me ~ something that I think is the absolute best, most priceless gift ever!

Shortly after I came into this world??