Walking the Line...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

There's a fine line isn't there? Just this week one of my friends was offered a job interview, which was then retracted...after her blog was 'discovered' ~

How do you decide how much to put out there...or not to?

I struggle with it myself. Often.
Blogging has become not only a source of *family history* for me if you will...after all, I am all the way on page 31 of Volume II of the Gust Gab...One day our kids will have a record of soo many adventures we had...
but also a way for me to keep my sanity.
When I myself am struggling with something - it helps to know that I am not alone.
Sometimes I'm not looking for feedback...but am looking to get my feelings out.
I've always kept a journal - since I was about ten years old...now that's a loooong time folks.
I don't do it so much anymore - but I do find outlet by way of this here blog...
The trouble with this such outlet - being public and all - is that things can very easily get taken out of context. Depending on who is reading and how they are reading it.

Like my post on should I stay or should I go now...
It was more of me thinking out loud really...that's what MY blog is. A place for me to think out loud. Did I sound unhappy in that post? I'm not unhappy. But I am sad sometimes. Sad we bought this house? NO! If we had not bought this house we would not have met so many wonderful neighbor friends. We might be still renting an apartment...putting us at least 8 years behind in our mortgage free by HS plan...we might not have gotten our dog...I might not have discovered my love of flower gardening...

Do I wish it were a DIFFERENT house? Sure...often. But not always.

Am I unhappy? No. A bit on the sad side? Yes. Right now I am. We just passed Easter. A pretty big deal if you are a Catholic. I grew up Catholic. Very. Very. Catholic.
This year marked ten years since my Dad passed away. It gets easier sure...but some things get harder...and so I'm sad.
I miss my Dad. I think about what could have been...and it bums me out.
While I love my little family of four and we had a great time doing an Easter Egg hunt and an Easter Dinner...It's not the same being just the four of us...with no other family to celebrate the day with us. I didn't cry on Easter. We had fun...Fun that began at 6 am...
But sometimes I'm sad. It is what it is.

I'm also scared. This big metro is soo not where I envisioned myself to be. This was a stepping stone...a temporary move to something else...something like a quiet town nestled at the bottom of some mountains someplace...
But then I met him...the man of my dreams...and he loves it here...and I love him.
So I'm trying...really I am.
But this city thing. It is not me. I don't pull on my boots and hit the clubs. I don't take in the opera or the arts. I'm not into the music scene. I drive past 100 different coffee joints every day to get to my J.O.B. but never stop...
I do love me some Target - but I could love me some Target on a much less regular basis...I know I could.

I'm a small town girl. I want to take a bike ride with my kids or walk to my friend's house while we sit on her front steps & chat.
Can we do that here? Well, sort of. I mean, there are no sidewalks around here to ride bikes on - so...if you are daring enough - you can ride them in the street...but where you will go - well, most likely not to your friends' place. Most likely you'll go in circles. Around a cul de sac. Around a pond.
We're all so spread out around here. Getting anywhere - doing anything. Almost always requires getting in the car. And then...add on a good 30 minutes. Or more. One way.
Last week the kids, the dog, and I ventured a few blocks away to a small park where they could play for a bit...it got dark fast before we had a chance to get back home & walking down the parkway - alone -with my kids...my anxiety levels were through. the. roof.
I passed a *pack* of kids on bikes and my heart literally stopped beating. Do I watch too much news? Maybe. But the reality is...bad things are happening all around us. Yeah, they happen in smaller towns too...but not as frequently.


Our kids are fast approaching school age. That terrifies me. Not that they are growing up...but because they are going into a school system that has graduating classes of upwards of 1000 kids. Per. Class.
My class had 69 kids. That's right folks. 69.
I'm still friends with lots of them.
I'm scared our kids won't have the same opportunities to play on a *team* like we did when we were in school...I'm scared the classes are so big it's impossible to get to know their teachers or get help with homework or make great friends like we did...if they can't bike to each other's houses...what will they do on a care free summer day?
I'm scared that we will be so busy driving from point A to point B to point C that our kids will miss out on being kids.
I know that smaller towns supposedly offer *less opportunities* but in my opinion, they can also offer more. I don't need much to make me happy - despite how this blog comes across. If my man told me tomorrow that we were packing up and leaving town - I'd love it. I'd be thrilled. My family is really all I need...well, my family and my laptop. Not sure how I'd fare without the internet these days. The rest of it...it's just filler...Trying to fill a void...pass the time...compensate for something...
what? I'm not exactly sure...
I'm trying to find a place where I might belong. Where I might fit in...and I'm struggling...

and yeah...I'm scared.
And I'm a little bit sad from time to time...but unhappy I am not.


Anonymous said...

I love this post, you are being so honest and real.

I am scared all the time, worried my kids will miss out of something. That we expect to much of kids in the world today.

Unknown said...

We have so much in common. Right now I would give anything to be able to leave the Cities and move back to my home town. Every time I see my home town friends on facebook posting what they're doing, I get jealous and homesick. But this is where my job is. for now.

Recovering Procrastinator said...

I feel the same way as you. I am generally happy yet often not content. I still feel like something is missing and I'm still trying to find where I fit in life. I think that is why I'm struggling with the whole career vs mom thing.

As for the city thing: I am a city girl, though the lure of the small town -- where you can walk to the post office, library, park, school, friends' houses -- calls to me too. I feel like no matter where I lived, I'd miss/crave something about the place I don't live.

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

Thank you for your honesty.

I think with all of it, you have to sit down and really think about what you want....and then go with it. And, if it changes, you are allowed to change your mind:)

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