Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Life is perfect. It really is. Both times we decided we were "ready" to be parents we were able to get pregnant right away. That doesn't seem to happen to many around us! We have two healthy kids. One girl, one boy. They are just shy of 15 months apart in age ~ people STILL make comments about how close in age they are, ie: are they twins?? and then they comment on how we must be crazy. True, it hasn't been terribly easy but is it ever? There are far more pros than cons to having them close in age - like the fact that there is no need to store the baby stuff we just kept using it consecutively for each kid and the fact that because they are so close in age they play together very very well ~ (well, IF the girl actually LETS the boy have any toys that is - she likes to hoard everything for herself!) On a recent family vacation we were able to spend the entire time as a family - enjoying the same water park, water slides, movies, etc etc - If the kids were 5 years apart there would surely be separation in the movies we watch, complaints about the "baby park from the big one," the little one wanting to go on the big waterslides, etc etc
Yes, this really has been great. The downside is that I'm tired. That happens when you have kids, I don't care how far apart or how close in age they are - and it happens even more so when you don't have family around to help relieve you from time to time. I have a messed up background and blood is not thicker than water in my family. We don't have ties that bind. I have no mom to drop the kids off for day, a night, or even an hour or two. I don't have any sisters that can take my kid(s) on an overnight so they can have a slumberparty with their cousins. It's pretty much just me. That's the reason that I've always wanted a big family of my very own. To have the kind of crazy Christmas Holiday I always dreamed about...Four kids would be about perfect - at least that's what I USED to think. Now, with an almost 3 year old and an 18 month old...I'm not so sure. Two is sounding like the perfect number. For a lot of reasons...The further I get away from the newborn age with my own two - the more I'm leaning towards "wrapping things up" right here with two. Two is manageable - my hubby and I can divide and conquer - with another one or two - we are outnumbered...and quite frankly, I feel like we're outnumbered already sometimes when our two are up to their shananigans! Two fit nicely inside a car of almost any shape or size...AKA - the Mustang!! With two, they can each bring a friend when we go someplace...though with two - they wouldn't have to because they have each other to hop on rides with at Valley Fair or Walt Disney World. Two makes my husband much more happy and content than even the thought of adding to the family. Two is financially more responsible than "more than two" would be. We are able to provide much more for our kids this way...more than our families were ever able to do for us. Life is expensive: in addition to the rising costs of the basic necessities, there is school, sports, vacations, etc. So if two is so much better for me than more than two is - why is it so hard to convince myself of that? A few months ago I thought I might be pregnant and waiting for the pregnancy test was the longest five minutes of my life. I cried and cried. When the nurse came back to me and told me it was negative - I breathed a huge sigh of relief. (How awful of me to think like that I know!) Being pregnant at that time would have meant three kids under the age of three for us. THAT would have been crazy and I might have had to be committed to some sort of institution leaving my honey to fend for himself with three under three. (Though he often says that he will leave me if we get knocked up again which would mean our kids would be orphaned!) I took the crying to be a huge subconscious sign that I did not want/need any more babies in my life. The nurse asked me then, "Isn't part of you even a little disappointed?" The honest to God, truthful answer at that time was a resounding "NO!"
So. This brings me back to where I am now. If you "just know" then why don't I "just know" one way or the other that we are done building our family? Because I don't just know does that mean I am not done?? Like I said before - the further I get away from having a newborn in my house already - the further I get from wanting to start all over with one! Not that I wouldn't love a new baby as much as my other two - as hard as it is...it is also the best, most rewarding thing I've ever experienced in my life and I know that nothing will ever ever never never ever compare to parenthood!


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