The Story of Me

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've always been a person who is good at remembering dates and events...lines from movies like my husband? Not so much...but anniversary type dates - those come pretty naturally to me.

With that "gift" comes a lot of extra thought and emotion this fall. Our little girl is turning three next week. It has been amazing, simply amazing, to watch her grow over the last three years. It also has me thinking of myself as a kid...more specifically...at the age she is now. Just a couple of weeks before I myself turned three, 19 days before to be exact, my own mother died in a drunk driving accident.

I don't remember her. At all. I don't have one single memory of my mom. The only life I've known is the life I have. The woman who was my birth mom is more like a storybook character to me than an actual person that really was in my life. A story I've never been told. A story I don't know the words to. A major person in my life. THE major person in my life, at that time anyway.

I have a handful of pictures of her and of her and I - but not one memory (or story) to go with those pictures. It's like when my mom died so did her "legacy". I don't know that anyone ever mentioned her name after she passed away, not in our house anyway. The newspaper article about the crash and ensuing obituary were tucked away as were most if not all pictures of her. I only found that stuff by accident while digging around in an old dresser when I was probably around 12 years old.

Somehow my grandparents took over the parenting role and I began calling them Mom and Dad instead of Grandpa and Grandma. I often wonder how the hell that happened. As I look at our little girl now - literally the exact same age I was when my own mom went away and never came back - and I cannot imagine her ever forgetting me. I would hope if something did happen to me, my baby daddy...(my husband!) would not LET our kids forget about me...or at least do his damndest to help them remember me.

I had always wondered why when we'd be out somewhere, i.e.: Church, the doctors office, etc...people would say something stupid like "Wow, you look JUST. LIKE. YOUR. MOM!" Here I was wondering WTF! My "Mom" was short and stout, graying hair...and at age 12 I was already taller than her! I often wondered why my parents were so much older than my friends' parents, and why I was nine years younger than my next closest "sibling". Comments really never made any sense to me what-so-ever.
After stumbling upon those articles, including an obit that read something like - "survived by one daughter Darcie" - things made sense then...and I never questioned them. A few random questions asked over the years that followed were always answered with a short, quick - "I don't know" that always stopped the conversation dead in it's tracks.

The sad part is, I don't even know much about her. I know her name. I know she was 20 when she gave birth to me and 23 when she died. I know she died on her own mother's birthday and was buried on her grandma's birthday. I know she was a single mother. I know she gave me her middle name. I know she was supposedly at a party on October 20th, 1977 when an argument broke out and she supposedly got into a car (willingly) with an acquaintance/friend of hers who had had too much to drink. I know there was a single vehicle accident and my mom was the only casualty of that accident.

It's not like a person can pull up a newspaper article from 1977 and read a story that appeared in the paper or even read an obit from that far back...I suppose there may be some old microfiche somewhere with a few sketchy details. I have asked for any articles/obits/funeral home book that our family may have from my birth mom's death - at this point - I've heard no word back...I don't know that I will - the original house has since been demolished and our "life and history" has been moved twice since then....Things lost or tossed along the way.

*sigh*

As I've said...it's really all just a story I can tell - a short story as I have few details. I think this is one of the main reasons I am so fascinated with blogging and the internet these days. Should something happen to me...our kids will know a little about me and a lot about their lives WITH me ~ something that I think is the absolute best, most priceless gift ever!

Shortly after I came into this world??



A pic of my mom and I at her sister's wedding - LOVE the hat!


my baptism



Guess I've always had a big mouth!



I love how she has a sucker stuck in her hair in this one!


a four generation photo


My second birthday - my last one with my mom - see her in the background as I hold up my big dollar!



Her HS Graduation pics...


5 comments:

Kate said...

Wow. That post blows me away. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Andrea said...

Hey Darc, I remember that day (the day you found out) like it was yesterday. I remember thinking it was the craziest thing I'd ever heard. That picture of your "Aunt" that died was really your Mom?!?!? I went home that night and my Aunt Sandy was over. I went to my parents and said "you'll never believe what Darcie found out!" They looked at each other and said we know. EVERYONE seemed to know but you. Sandy went to high school with your mom and knew her pretty well. (I'm sure she'd be more that happy to share any details of your mom with you). I was so sad for you. You handled it better that I could imagine anyone would.
I think of your Mom everytime I drive out to the golf course. I still wonder how did everyone know and you not? Was there a town meeting and everyone told to keep this a big secret?!?! I'm so glad you have some beautiful pictures...you do look just like her!
Well, I just wanted to share my thoughts...if you want I can get you Sandy's email or phone. She may be able to fill in a few little blanks for you.
Keep in touch! Love Andrea

Marissa said...

{{{darcie}}} i'm in a state of disbelief that your parents are so unwillingly to share your mom's life, stories & legacy with you. i just can't believe people could do that. :(

if it helps you find any comfort at all, i see true adoration & love in your moms eyes & face in each picture of the 2 of you together. no doubt, she adored you.

i hope you never stop looking for answers, stories, pictures.

*hugs*

Kate said...

This is one wild story, Honey. As you may know from looking at MY blog, I also have a family history of mystery and secrets. It's a pretty weird way to grow up...

The pix are BEAUTIFUL!!!

:-)

xoxoxo

Becky said...

I'm a little behind on my blalking but made my way over here... What a story? I can't imagine what it would be like to find out your life story was not at all what you'd been brought up to believe. It's frustrating that you cannot learn more. Hopefully it will help you to cherish your babies' milestones just a little more, and keep lots of pictures and stories for them.

I'm so happy you have the few pictures you do have. And thank you for sharing your story!

Sending hugs!

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