Haunted...

It's been two months ago today since my mom passed away.

Two very short, very long months.
While I know this is no where near a fair amount of time for healing or getting over it or not feeling sorry for myself...
I find I'm very angry for not seeing...not knowing...not doing...

I thought I had more time...
"Six months - maybe a year"
Since when does seven weeks fall in that time frame?

What the hell was I doing back at work when I should have been at my mom's side? I was going to take a leave of absence from my job...I was going to be there...

Did she know how very little time she had left?
Was she protecting me? Was she protecting herself?

On a warm, sunny Saturday in July I played bingo with my mom and her new friends...we laughed, we joked, we smiled...We took a walk outside and enjoyed the sunshine.

We discussed plans for Christmas...She had a list of things she wanted me to help her get...

I felt good about how she was doing...I felt ok saying 'goodbye' - Goodbye for THAT WEEKEND...not forever!!

The next time I saw her...she would be all but unresponsive.

I had raced to her bedside, as 'racing' as one can get from four hours away...

Her breathing: shallow.

Each breathe I was certain had been the last.

"I'm here Mom. We're all here. I'm the last one to arrive...but we are all here...Our families are all here. It's ok. We're going to be ok. Dad's waiting for you...It's ok Mom...I'm ok. It's ok. I love you."

She barely managed a whisper - "I love you too."
It was the last time that I would hear her voice.

For the next 3.5 days...I held her hand.

I stroked her head.

I spoke to her.
I sang her songs.

Songs from my childhood...
Songs we sang together, side by side in church every Sunday for 20 something odd years...

"Here I Am Lord, Is it I Lord? I have heard you, calling in the night...I will go Lord, if you lead me...I will hold your people in my heart."

"And He will raise you up on Eagle's Wings, bear you on the breathe of dawn, make you to shine like the sun...and hold you, hold you in the palm of his hands..."

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see."

When I would sing...she would nod her head yes...

Yes as in...Yes, I can hear you?

Yes...I'm going home now?

Yes...Yes what?

YES WHAT DAMMIT!?!

Did she know she was so close?

Had she known that day that we spent hours together playing bingo, coloring pictures, chatting, laughing?

I should have been there.

I would have been there.

I could have been there.

I thought I had more time.

Today is a gift...What will you do with more time?