Haunted...

It's been two months ago today since my mom passed away.

Two very short, very long months.
While I know this is no where near a fair amount of time for healing or getting over it or not feeling sorry for myself...
I find I'm very angry for not seeing...not knowing...not doing...

I thought I had more time...
"Six months - maybe a year"
Since when does seven weeks fall in that time frame?

What the hell was I doing back at work when I should have been at my mom's side? I was going to take a leave of absence from my job...I was going to be there...

Did she know how very little time she had left?
Was she protecting me? Was she protecting herself?

On a warm, sunny Saturday in July I played bingo with my mom and her new friends...we laughed, we joked, we smiled...We took a walk outside and enjoyed the sunshine.

We discussed plans for Christmas...She had a list of things she wanted me to help her get...

I felt good about how she was doing...I felt ok saying 'goodbye' - Goodbye for THAT WEEKEND...not forever!!

The next time I saw her...she would be all but unresponsive.

I had raced to her bedside, as 'racing' as one can get from four hours away...

Her breathing: shallow.

Each breathe I was certain had been the last.

"I'm here Mom. We're all here. I'm the last one to arrive...but we are all here...Our families are all here. It's ok. We're going to be ok. Dad's waiting for you...It's ok Mom...I'm ok. It's ok. I love you."

She barely managed a whisper - "I love you too."
It was the last time that I would hear her voice.

For the next 3.5 days...I held her hand.

I stroked her head.

I spoke to her.
I sang her songs.

Songs from my childhood...
Songs we sang together, side by side in church every Sunday for 20 something odd years...

"Here I Am Lord, Is it I Lord? I have heard you, calling in the night...I will go Lord, if you lead me...I will hold your people in my heart."

"And He will raise you up on Eagle's Wings, bear you on the breathe of dawn, make you to shine like the sun...and hold you, hold you in the palm of his hands..."

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see."

When I would sing...she would nod her head yes...

Yes as in...Yes, I can hear you?

Yes...I'm going home now?

Yes...Yes what?

YES WHAT DAMMIT!?!

Did she know she was so close?

Had she known that day that we spent hours together playing bingo, coloring pictures, chatting, laughing?

I should have been there.

I would have been there.

I could have been there.

I thought I had more time.

Today is a gift...What will you do with more time?

Why we can't move. Ever.

After a particularly tough couple of days...we were expected at our annual Labor Day Potluck & Bbq in our neighborhood...
I was slow to get ready - dragging my feet ~

And the doorbell rang...
And it was the neighborhood women & my great friends...
Delivering this...

And I cried.

It is so beautiful I don't even want to leave it outside!

What a priceless gift.

I can't even fathom where we'd be without the wonderful people in our neighborhood -

Betsy & Tammy & Brenda & Sue & Jamie & Brittany & Lisa...

I love you all.

Support so good you can taste it...

So, a month ago - a month ago today in fact...Was one of the hardest days of my life...

After a very, very, VERY short battle with cancer - which is both a blessing and a curse (the short battle, not the cancer), my mom passed away.

Friday, the 13th.

Bleck.


It was a blur of a summer - trips to NoDak to be with her, trips I would do again and again and again if it meant one more minute. Trips filled with crazy family and tears and hugging and all that other stuff...


And then we came home...

to this...


Yep. On the very day my mom passed away, I had received a text from my dear friend and neighbor telling me we had bad bad storms, with "lightning so close you could smell it"

Huh. Yep...Well, this must of been what they were smelling.

Turns out lightning struck our fence...sent some sort of wacky current to my computer...AND my cable...

Yep. No computer. No internet. No cable.

Maybe not a big deal for a lot of you -but for us...yeah...next to impossible!

And while I didn't say it out loud - I was crying in the privacy of my own home...thinking to myself...how do I keep going...

When I have no internet or cable distractions...and I'm alone with my thoughts. Alone with the haunting pictures in my head of what I saw leading up to the end...

How do I keep going when all I want to do is lie down and cry...if only for a couple of days...

when there are adorable small people who need me every second of every day...when I have a husband who has been nothing but supportive but needs to get back to the office...

(speaking of offices, mine sort of missed me too while I was gone)

(My in basket - not including the electronic in basket & email mind you!)

When there's a dog that missed us so much he let us know we shouldn't leave again by cleaning out the pantry, vomiting it all over the carpet and then proceeding to shred some of our belongings, like brand new umbrellas...

You know what picked ME up off the ground?

Seriously.

The WORLD'S. GREATEST. FRIENDS.

As if the gorgeous, delish fruit weren't enough...

Then, these started arriving...one at a time...

I cannot tell you how these have saved me...

Coming home from work and wanting to do NOTHING, but knowing that I need to do something so as to keep the family from starving to death...

This has been the greatest (SURPRISE!) gift ever.

EVER!

I know I've said it a billion times...but the friends I have made in Matt Logelin and the women who make it all happen...

You could all be so lucky...

Thank you Matt & Maddy & Brooke and Ali and Becky and Cara and Chris and Christa and Nancy and Rachel and Meggin and Kate in the Northridge and Leigh in the Sav and Lindsay and Maureen and Kris and Laurie and Gina and Danielle and Kate and Katie J and Katy E and Kelly Mc and Tricia and Jessica and Teal and Meesh.

Thank you.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. And my belly!

Make me a Channel of Your Peace

I was here...on a clear, sunny day not two weeks ago...






And behind these big. heavy. doors...I sat with my big. heavy. heart...


Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

I have been through this before...I'm no stranger to grief...but this time, this time is different.

When I lost my dad...I had my mom...I had my mom to be strong for.
Make plans with.
Call on the phone.

Oh how we called each other on the phone.

While we didn't make the journey *home* very often...several times a week my mom and I gabbed on the phone...not marathon convos mind you -15 minutes here, 20 minutes there...sometimes 5 here...


This is different.


While it's been hard in the past...very, very hard...This time...This time is so. much. harder.


I am thankful to have a wonderful, supportive and understanding hubs...and two kids who my world revolves around...

but that's just the thing...

I hear over and over again...'take time for yourself' blah blah blah...


Life doesn't stop because I need a break...in my world, it doesn't even slow down.

May She Rest in Peace

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you, hold you in the palm of His hand.


Gladys I. Komanetz
October 22, 1933 - August 13, 2010

Rest in Peace Mom ~ I will love you forever.

Wishing Well...

I thought simply titling this 'Wishing Well' & doing a Wordless Wednesday would be perfect...

but how do I say nothing?
I have so much to say...



And yet I can't.
Or won't.
Not here.
Not yet.

But I will say THANK YOU. To the dozens of you who have shown me your friendship. Shown my family your friendship.

Who knew that when I volunteered to be a Cards for Cancer leader just a few months ago...

I had no idea we would be needing spirit jumps ourselves.

I know there have been dozens of cards sent, but I have not been able to see them all yet - I'm hoping one day soon to see them and to be able to take & then show you pictures of them...

Again, thank you.

Thank you so very much for helping to make this difficult time just a little bit more friendly.

Cards For Cancer - Simply Amazing...

391.
That's the number of cards that we were able to get together - cards for spiritjump.org's 1st ever Cards for Cancer Day. Sooo amazing...

Together, over 100,000 cards were collected and delivered to people battling the Big C.
How awesome is THAT?

Sadly, the cancer center I chose to deliver cards too did not want to take all of these cards, but spiritjump.org has connected me with what they call jumpees... Visit their website, then click on JUMPEES to read some of their stories...
So rest assured, these cards are going directly into the hands of those who are battling the beast...just not all of them are being delivered locally.

Did you know that spiritjump.org was founded by a sweet sweet gal named Meaghan, who was just 28 years old when she was diagnosed with Cancer? She KICKED CANCER'S ASS! Check out her amazing story and blog HERE!

A sampling of some of the rest of the cards that our team did...
that I haven't previously shown you here, here....or even here....

From Laura & Mallory -

From the amazing gals at the Star Tribune who worked on these over yet another lunch hour...

From a local girl scout troop ~

And a whole 'nother envelope from Sam over at All Sam's Idea...

Thank you sooo much to all of you who took the time to sign a card or create a card.

I know they will help to boost the spirits of many folks who could use a life.

Together - We made a difference!

Cards 4 Cancer - Let's make a difference!

I'm a busy person... aren't we all?
There just aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done...and I for one am always wanting to do more.

Whether you are a wife, a mother, a husband, a father. An employee or a boss. A friend, a daughter, a sister, a brother....volunteer...
The truth of the matter is, there is just never enough time to get it all done. That's the reason I'm always looking for little things that I can do with minimal effort that can make a difference. A little difference, or a big difference, doesn't matter. Just a difference.

(Like the 7 on the 7th with the Liz Logelin Foundation) Seriously - it all adds up and really truly does make a difference!

I was soo thrilled when I came across something that fit the bill I'm always looking for...only, in this case. I have, with your help, the ability to make a HUGE difference. WE ALL DO! What is this remarkable opportunity you ask? Well, it's cards 4 cancer! As taken from their website
'On April 10th 2010 Spirit Jump along with Bloggers Unite and its sponsors are pleased to bring you our First Annual Cards 4 Cancer Day. Battling cancer can be one of the most difficult and loneliest experiences a person can go through. With cancer touching so many lives around the world it’s time to let them know they are not alone. Our mission is to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women and children who are involved in this battle. With your help Spirit Jump hopes to collectively deliver over 100,000 cards.'

You don't have to personally know someone is who is battling cancer. Haven't we all been touched in one way or another at some point in our lives by that nasty beast called Cancer? Whether you or someone you know has lost a loved one - cancer is far too widespread.
Over the years I've seen far too many people lose their fight. It's not fair.

I am soo excited about cards 4 cancer. You know how excited you get when someone leaves a nice comment on your blog? What? You don't have a blog? You have one but no one ever leaves you comments? (Shame on them!)

Well, what about that card you got in the mail telling you to have a nice day and it's NOT EVEN YOUR BIRTHDAY! Yeah...THAT feeling!
Together - We can make a difference!
We get to put together cards for people right here in the Twin Cities Metro area currently battling the Big C.
The hospital I choose was the University of Minnesota Amplatz Children's Hospital.

If you'd like to 'officially' join my team
click HERE and my team name is 'Together - We can make a difference'
(at least I think it is-I'm still getting everything together!)

If you don't want to officially join my team but feel like you could produce a couple of dozen cards to brighten someone's day - please feel free to drop me an email at darciegust (at ) yahoo (dot) com or leave me a comment. Maybe you've got kids (or run a daycare or teach in a classroom) and the kids love to make little art projects? I know my two do!
How about a get well soon picture drawn by your favorite young un?

Cards do not need to be fancy or store bought (though they can be if you want them to be!) but should convey a simple, positive message to someone who is battling cancer.
_____________
Some tips from the website as to what you might include in your cards:
*** Some people have been asking for advice on what to write in their cards. While the messages are important please remember that its your time, thought and compassion that really makes the difference. With that said here are some tips on writing messages in your cards:
1- Try to stay away from “Get Well”. Unfortunately some of the recipients of your cards will not get well and this message, while a positive one, can be hard for some. Because we do not know specifically who will receive your cards its a good idea to stay away from any type of “Get Well” messages.
2- “Thinking of You” “Wishing You Well” “You Are In Our Thoughts” “Encouraging You Through Your Battle’ etc…are all great messages to include in your cards.
3- Uplifting quotes are always great
4- Drawings without any message at all work too.
5-Try to stay gender and age neutral as you do not know who will be receiving your cards. However, if you know you are delivering to a childrens center, woman’s center etc….you can be more specific.
The cards may be signed however the person making the card feels most comfortable. The cards may be in an envelope or not but if you do place them in an envelope we suggest leaving the envelope unsealed in case the staff needs to look at the cards before they deliver them. Also all cards should have spiritjump.org somewhere on the card so that those who receive the cards will know where to go should they wish to receive more support.
_______________________
So...What do you say?
Who's in?

Together - we can make a difference!

If you are interested in learning more - ask me...or click here to visit the cards 4 cancer blog!

Cancer Sucks - Part 217

Not much to say that hasn't already been said ... Another battle with cancer - another life lost...much much much to young. This morning is the funeral service for family friend Monica ~ Taken from this world at just 34 years of age, leaving behind a grieving daughter, son, husband, father, mother, brother(s) ... the list goes on and on.
Please say a prayer for Monica and for those that loved her...and hug your loved ones a little tighter today.



Monica Bubendorf, 34 of Savage, MN, formerly of Grand Forks, ND, passed away on Saturday, February 7, 2009 at her parent’s home in Thompson, ND.
Monica Marie Sattler was born on April 9, 1974 in Grand Forks, ND, the daughter of Steve and Dianne (Novak) Sattler. Monica grew up and attended school in Grand Forks, ND, graduating from Central High School in the class of 1992. She worked at Sun Coast and then attended Aakers Business College with a degree as a Legal Secretary.
In 1998 she moved to Minneapolis, MN. On July 30, 1999 she was united in marriage to Robb Bubendorf in Grand Forks, ND. They lived in Savage, MN and she worked for Stemple and Associates and later worked for Lowden Law Firm in Bloomington, MN.
Family members who survive Monica include her husband Robb of Savage, MN; children: Ashley Sattler and Dylan Bubendorf both of Savage, MN; her parents: Steve and Dianne Sattler of Thompson, ND; siblings: Chad (Kristy) Sattler of Grand Forks, ND and Jason (Erin) Sattler of Burnsville, MN; grandmother: Ellen Novak of Alexander, ND; nieces and nephews: Laney and Dani Sattler, Sam and Sara Schuster and Kassia Bangert.
Monica is preceded in death by her grandfather George Novak and paternal grandparents: Frank and Ann Sattler
In lieu of flowers memorials are preferred to Caring Bridge or Cancer Research.
Funeral Services: 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday, February 11, 2009, in United Lutheran Church, 324 Chestnut St., Grand Forks, ND.
Visitation: 1 hour prior Funeral Service in United Lutheran Church

Times they are a Changin...

This picture was taken by my friend Emilie who lost her fight with cancer last month on December 24th - What a phenominal picture! I had only wished I had thought to bring my camera with me to the polling place!!

I am glad I had the chance to tell Emilie last November how much I loved this picture and that I hoped that she wouldn't mind me using it on my own blog...I didn't use it then because I don't like to blog about *political issues* unless of course you count the purchase of $60.00 Barbie dolls or giant delicious burgers as political issues...(This picture created quite a bit of controversy over on Emilie's blog...)

But today...today feels different...

The times...they are a changin' ~

WOOT!

Ice Fishing Benefit...

So the reason that the hubs wasn't able to join us at Sesame Street Live was because there was an ice fishing benefit going on for his friend Monica who is currently losing her battle with cancer ~ Having never been ice fishing before - I wasn't so sure how it was going to for them...but they appeared to have some great fun! Five guys, three hours on the water - And all they caught was a buzz!! Not one fish...Success? It was if you ask them!

Al and I and the kids braved the elements after braving the whole Sesame Street thing and joined them for a bit...











The boys kept H entertained - as they always do!

Micah and H making snow piles on the lake ~


These guys are sooo great with our kids...the uncles they didn't get from me and the hubs biologically! I cannot WAIT until these *uncles* have their own babies!!

Cookie entertaining the little (very very overtired and cold) little Diva!

Say a Prayer -

It's Christmas Eve and as I sit here surrounded by family and more material stuff than I could even begin to mention, I count my many many blessings. It is with great sadness that I direct you to my friend Emilie who is now enjoying Christmas with her Saviour. Please keep Emilie and her family, especially her two little boys, in your thoughts and prayers this holiday season and in the months to come. They are facing the unbearable - my worst nightmare. Life is just too short, too uncertain, too unfair.

Please hug your loved ones just a little bit tighter today - for Emilie, and for all of the others who can't.

Thoughts and Prayers...

So today I am sitting down at the computer - tears in my eyes again - thanking the good Lord up above for all of my many many blessings. While it's true that I have been somewhat stressed out this week by trivial things such as it taking me 2.5 hours to drive 21 miles in the morning with our winter wonderland weather, waking up covered in pee at 1 am when the 3 year old slept with me the other night and other things so stupid I can't even remember now, the fact of the matter is those things don't matter at all. Not one bit.
The simple fact that I can get up and actually have a job to go to, whether it takes me 20 minutes or 20 hours to get there...and the fact that I have a little girl that IS able to get up and use the potty (almost always)...I am blessed...I have my health, I have the health of my husband and the health of our children. Nothing else really matters does it?

Today I ask you that you please keep the following friends of ours in your prayers - Both are young young women. Both are mothers.
Both have been diagnosed with cancer. Both have made the heart wrenching decisions to stop their treatments and live out the rest of their days as comfortably as possible with the help of Hospice - May God grant them the peace and grace that they so desperately need and deserve. This holiday season, as you rush about from one place to the next - frustrated like I have been about how long it takes you to get there or what is or isn't on the menu - please remember Emilie and Monica and their families - as well as the families of so many others who aren't as lucky as we are this holiday season!

Cancer Sucks

On Wednesday Rob's former colleague - daughter of one of his current colleagues - lost her battle with breast cancer. Amy was just 36 years old. Rob and I attended her memorial/visitation this weekend. Heart wrenching to watch her family go through such a terrible tragedy. Seems this year has been just full of slap-in-the-face reminders that life is not a guarantee and we need to live our lives to the fullest. Please pray for Amy's husband Mark and their two young sons Zach and Cody, along with the rest of her grieving family and friends. I cannot imagine how much it must hurt. Burying a child is something no parent should ever have to go through, regardless of the age of the child - My heart aches for Amy's parents. While Amy is no longer suffering, her family must now figure out how to move forward with their lives. A seemingly impossible task when the grief is so new.

Life is too just too short.

Life is too short. Life. is. too. damn. short. It's a mantra I live by each and every day of my life and try to instill in others. One just never knows when their number is up and for that reason we have to live each day as if it were our last. Today I ask that you keep Kelly Andrews in your thoughts and prayers - I have mentioned Kelly before - she is a gal from my home town - Grafton, ND - (a non-smoker) who was diagnosed with lung cancer this past November -
Yesterday afternoon Kelly married the love of her life, Collin. And last night, just a few short short hours after being married, Kelly passed away. Please keep Collin and the rest of Kelly's family and friends in your thoughts and prayers as they go through this most difficult time.
I have been inspired by Kelly's positive attitude throughout this whole ordeal and hope that you will hug your loved ones just a little bit tighter today, and in all the days to come, in honor of this remarkable woman. Peace be with you Kelly.