Haunted...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's been two months ago today since my mom passed away.

Two very short, very long months.
While I know this is no where near a fair amount of time for healing or getting over it or not feeling sorry for myself...
I find I'm very angry for not seeing...not knowing...not doing...

I thought I had more time...
"Six months - maybe a year"
Since when does seven weeks fall in that time frame?

What the hell was I doing back at work when I should have been at my mom's side? I was going to take a leave of absence from my job...I was going to be there...

Did she know how very little time she had left?
Was she protecting me? Was she protecting herself?

On a warm, sunny Saturday in July I played bingo with my mom and her new friends...we laughed, we joked, we smiled...We took a walk outside and enjoyed the sunshine.

We discussed plans for Christmas...She had a list of things she wanted me to help her get...

I felt good about how she was doing...I felt ok saying 'goodbye' - Goodbye for THAT WEEKEND...not forever!!

The next time I saw her...she would be all but unresponsive.
I had raced to her bedside, as 'racing' as one can get from four hours away...

Her breathing: shallow.
Each breathe I was certain had been the last.

"I'm here Mom. We're all here. I'm the last one to arrive...but we are all here...Our families are all here. It's ok. We're going to be ok. Dad's waiting for you...It's ok Mom...I'm ok. It's ok. I love you."

She barely managed a whisper - "I love you too."
It was the last time that I would hear her voice.

For the next 3.5 days...I held her hand.

I stroked her head.
I spoke to her.
I sang her songs.

Songs from my childhood...
Songs we sang together, side by side in church every Sunday for 20 something odd years...

"Here I Am Lord, Is it I Lord? I have heard you, calling in the night...I will go Lord, if you lead me...I will hold your people in my heart."

"And He will raise you up on Eagle's Wings, bear you on the breathe of dawn, make you to shine like the sun...and hold you, hold you in the palm of his hands..."

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see."

When I would sing...she would nod her head yes...
Yes as in...Yes, I can hear you?
Yes...I'm going home now?
Yes...Yes what?
YES WHAT DAMMIT!?!

Did she know she was so close?

Had she known that day that we spent hours together playing bingo, coloring pictures, chatting, laughing?

I should have been there.
I would have been there.
I could have been there.

I thought I had more time.

Today is a gift...What will you do with more time?

8 comments:

Laura said...

You WERE there. You showed up and sat with her, which is what she needed. I had 10 months and that wasn't long enough to say goodbye. It was, however, long enough to know how much she was suffering and needed to go so she would be whole again. I'm sorry this is haunting you.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written...it is never easy to say goodbye...thinking of you.
Amy

Jessica Seuss said...

Oh, Darcie...

I know how difficult it is to look back and what what more could have been done. After losing my Dad in a similar fashion, I find myself doing that all the time.

You WERE there. She was happy that you were there. She knew you loved her, and she loved you.

"Love, so brief, so disappointing, so confusing."

Thinking of you.

Be the change... said...

You are strong. Just know that it is okay to be angry, sad, frustrated. You are loved and so was she.

RoseMillsOhio said...

I can feel your hurt and grief in every raw word, and my heart goes out to you.

The Marketing Mama said...

Oh Darcie, As terribly sad as this post is, it is also beautiful because the love for your mom comes shining through. Your Mom knew how much she loved you and she was not upset with you for going home.

You reminded me of singing songs to my grandma before she died. Also songs from childhood that she used to sing me. Those moments are among the most precious of my life now.

I hope at some time you'll be able to have a sense of peace about this and not regret and feeling haunted... You are a wonderful daughter and your Mom would want you to have peace.

CM said...

Oh dear, don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard, but we just never know. She knew you loved her, I can tell just by what you wrote.

My mom died in a car accident when I was 14. I can't say that it necessarily gets easier, but the pain starts to dull after awhile and you start to begin to live life again. She will always be there with you, in your heart, in your reflection, and in all that you do.

Your grief is still fresh. And that is normal. Take a deep breath, allow yourself to cry, and just let yourself feel however you're feeling. Does that make sense?

Mama_Bear_Sarah said...

i struggle with this too ...a LOT. i would love to tell you it gets easier with time and that the mental/emotional struggle lessens but that would be a big, fat lie. all i can come up with is that maybe knowing wouldn't make it any better. because then you would just agonize over wondering when the last time would come. yes, you'd have the benefit of saying all you wanted to say. but imagine how difficult it would be for them to know and wonder and stress.

Post a Comment

ShareThis