Happy Mother's Day...

Ah...Mother's Day.

That ONE day during the calendar year that we Moms get that is set aside JUST for us. Sleeping in, breakfast in bed, brunch, lunch, whatever mom's heart desires...this is the day to attempt to get it...

Mother's Day was different for me this year - While it was all the way back in 2005 that I became a mother for the first time ~ This was also the first year since well, forever, that I didn't have a mother to wish Happy Mother's Day to.

It's been 9 months since my own Mom passed away, losing her 7 week battle with cancer. I miss her more than I can possibly try to fit into this space, into any space really.


When I came home from kindy orientation the other night, I really wanted to, needed to, call my mom.

When our 5 year old recited the Our Father prayer by herself to us at dinner the other night - I knew my mom's heart would be bursting with pride when I told her...

When both of the kids passed their swimming lessons or hopped on the bike with no training wheels at the park...

Who do I brag to?

There's just something about a mother...

That's why this year...I did my best to redirect things to them...

They made me Mom, Mommy, Mother.
They give me reason to get up each day.

I miss my mom, but I'm grateful for the time that we had ~

(these are the last photos I have with my mom...she was doing well, happy, in good spirits, feeling ok...or so I thought. It was the last time I would see her awake. I was standing at her graveside three weeks later.)

Cherish what you have. The little things, however insignificant they might seem, however easy they are to take for granted...stop, slow down, and be thankful for what you have.

I would do anything to hold her hand today.

Haunted...

It's been two months ago today since my mom passed away.

Two very short, very long months.
While I know this is no where near a fair amount of time for healing or getting over it or not feeling sorry for myself...
I find I'm very angry for not seeing...not knowing...not doing...

I thought I had more time...
"Six months - maybe a year"
Since when does seven weeks fall in that time frame?

What the hell was I doing back at work when I should have been at my mom's side? I was going to take a leave of absence from my job...I was going to be there...

Did she know how very little time she had left?
Was she protecting me? Was she protecting herself?

On a warm, sunny Saturday in July I played bingo with my mom and her new friends...we laughed, we joked, we smiled...We took a walk outside and enjoyed the sunshine.

We discussed plans for Christmas...She had a list of things she wanted me to help her get...

I felt good about how she was doing...I felt ok saying 'goodbye' - Goodbye for THAT WEEKEND...not forever!!

The next time I saw her...she would be all but unresponsive.

I had raced to her bedside, as 'racing' as one can get from four hours away...

Her breathing: shallow.

Each breathe I was certain had been the last.

"I'm here Mom. We're all here. I'm the last one to arrive...but we are all here...Our families are all here. It's ok. We're going to be ok. Dad's waiting for you...It's ok Mom...I'm ok. It's ok. I love you."

She barely managed a whisper - "I love you too."
It was the last time that I would hear her voice.

For the next 3.5 days...I held her hand.

I stroked her head.

I spoke to her.
I sang her songs.

Songs from my childhood...
Songs we sang together, side by side in church every Sunday for 20 something odd years...

"Here I Am Lord, Is it I Lord? I have heard you, calling in the night...I will go Lord, if you lead me...I will hold your people in my heart."

"And He will raise you up on Eagle's Wings, bear you on the breathe of dawn, make you to shine like the sun...and hold you, hold you in the palm of his hands..."

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see."

When I would sing...she would nod her head yes...

Yes as in...Yes, I can hear you?

Yes...I'm going home now?

Yes...Yes what?

YES WHAT DAMMIT!?!

Did she know she was so close?

Had she known that day that we spent hours together playing bingo, coloring pictures, chatting, laughing?

I should have been there.

I would have been there.

I could have been there.

I thought I had more time.

Today is a gift...What will you do with more time?